Everyone is broken in some way.

This is what I’ve learned in these past few days. That what you see on Facebook is a lie most of the time.

Okay not a lie, but a cover-up. Why do we stalk people’s facebook? Because we seek this understanding of why someone is made the way they are, but for some reason, we are never fully satisfied and that reason is because most of the time, the things people post on facebook are mainly positive things. Teethy pictures of fun times and forced smiles with a group of “friends” who are really only acquaintances.

Yet we let that get to us. Under the covers, however, is the truth. The digging deeper.

At some point in their life, all people become or bow down to their own idols, their own sovereign ruler by choice. This idea of an idol – what ultimately influences the decisions you make – can be inanimate also. Idols can be in the form of money or possessions, which ultimately can destroy the small sense of true fulfillment in our hearts. People worship these “valuables.”

In the end, even the richest people, even after all their hard achievement and six-figure status, are left wondering what their life truly consists of. What is this empty feeling of desire that is left, incapable of being complete?

How I wish that there was one simple answer without enraging certain people. Still, my answer is that our life is never actually complete. Life is an ongoing trial. We never know where it will end and that’s what makes it exciting, nerve-wracking, meaningful.
We all have a meaning to our life. Because of the pile of nonsense that stacks up against us, however, this meaning becomes blurred, our distorted vision angering us at times why we don’t have answers. Why we can’t have someone else’s perfect skin or slender body. Why are we so broken?

When we look onto others and think they are so flawless, we should know there is almost a 100% certainty that even such a faultless person inhibits his/her inevitable insecurities. No one is completely happy, and that is okay because it makes all humans relatable. It allows us to reach out to others and ultimately fulfill this empty void that needs attention and soothing reassurance.

There is a flaw in humans, a desire to help but not to ask for help because it is a “sign of weakness.” Are you weak when everyone experiences it? Or are you made strong when you become one of the few who can conjure up the bit of courage needed to ask for help, bringing you back to life?

Everyone is made of the same ingredients. We all just tend to hide it and deceive ourselves of being the stronger person.

If there is something broken within you, isn’t it better to accept that there is a possibility it can be fixed rather than letting it hold you down?

So much about me has changed

I can hardly keep up with myself anymore.

but in a pleasant way, I have this feeling that these changes are meant to be. That UT was such a right choice for me. 

I can’t even begin with how many wonderful people I’ve met so far. I remember from before the year even started, my shallow self ideally imagined hanging out with cool white kids because I couldn’t fathom the thought of even being close friends with so many other Asians. I know, horrible. Asians – and people in general – really aren’t that bad! Silly me, college is all about segregation! The amount of Asians I’ve made in 3 weeks is more than the population of Asians in Irving.
Sometimes I look back and loathe a part of me, an existence I question every day. 

Sometimes I wonder why I even considered going to A&M.

This isn’t because of the rivalry, I swear. In all serious, the rivalry is pretty silly…though I take the blame of taking it a little too seriously also, haha. I had dreams of being a vet, but also daydreams of staying with my boyfriend who attended A&M.

In retrospect, I can’t imagine who I would be or how messy my life would be right now if I was an Aggie. 

My friend introduced me to this great organization called Koinonia, which in Greek translates into “fellowship.” I’m not going to get religious here; I just truly think this group is made of the best “sisters” and “brothers” someone could ask for. When you’re lonely, they will be there. When you’re just in need, you can truly rely on them. They accept anyone and everyone, literally all kinds – you don’t even have to be Christian. They give you a chance.
It’s nice escaping from the superficial high school life and actually having real friends (besides my close friends, just to be safe and add that in). Best part is, so many people in Koinonia love sports. Even better, it’s not just Asians.

I started college with the mindset that I was going to create a new me, identity, reputation, everything. Deal with my past on a more personal and spiritual level, slowly letting go. I didn’t exactly worry about being accepted before coming here, but I worried more about eventually accepting who I was before.
To begin this process, I broke up with my boyfriend. It’s been really tough. I can’t lie that I’ve thought about him more than once every day, but this time, I’m actually coping with the breakup rather than rebounding..

I’m a different person; I kind of suck at writing now and that’s disappointing. This is a pretty bland post. My apologies.

In just a month of being at UT, the memories I have been able to make through my new friends are amazing. I look back already and wonder what happened to the time. Weekends have become the highlight of my week more so than they ever have been.

College is awesome.

I still have pretty judgmental thoughts, though. I still lust over so many of the hot guys here. Gotta work on that.

Most of all, I wanted to say thanks to Kayleigh’s lovely comment in reply to my “Hi Tumblr” post long ago in July. You are a wonderful person. <3 I have healed, miraculously. :)

How is everyone else doing?

ohboyy

Can’t believe I just put myself out there like that. It’s kind of scary.

Shouldn’t care what people think of it, though…criticisms and concerns are open to receiving! haha

Hi Tumblr

It’s me. Seventeen and living. Ha

Crazy as it seems, I don’t even know what day it is because it’s summer of 2012 and hecks yea am I enjoying it!
Though I usually try to keep a smile on for most of the day, looks can be deceiving.. 

Time changes people. and this is a “duh” statement, but I just can’t help but wonder how I could ever have let this site slip away from my hands while I’ve been so dwarfed into the social networking of Twitter and Instagram and everything else that doesn’t matter when in reality, my words are what bring me home.

To start off, I actually just finished writing my deepest, personal thoughts into my diary (my last entry before that one being July 14, 2011, entitled “I WANT A JOB”). Humorous..

All my words are kind of sucked into there and left my brain, but I did want to trace back to the good ol’ Tumblr days and update my followers. I’m still alive! yes!!

Okay, truth be told, I wasn’t here to tell y'all that I’m alive. That’s undoubtedly obvious. I’m here to talk about my insecurities because I might as well step up to the plate and share them to the world who maybe, if they please, might share some similar with mine.

To the reader, I hope when you take all this in that you have at least a fair judgement of me because what I’m about to reveal is quite shallow, but I swear that these are simply passing feelings that tend to happen on lonely nights like tonight. This is merely a warning, these next paragraphs can be…ridiculous.

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